Bob Riley Life Coaching Blog

6 Ways to Manage More Effectively

2010-10-11T18:10:00.000-07:00

When we have the opportunity to engage others, whether it be personally, professionally and even with family--we are always extending to others exactly who we are and what we know.
In selecting this topic, I am of the humble opinion that the more we know the better we grow. Cutting our teeth on learning communication techniques will always serve to be both respectful of others while keeping our own self respect.

By constantly filling our self up with all of the good, positive, pure and healthy will certainly give us the edge in life to become a higher functioninjg individual.

On my home page of my web site, bobrileycoaching.com, you will find three universal benefits to coaching. Communication is one of the three, however the other two are directly tied to how we express to others what we want, need , expect and tolerate. Please check those out when you can as well as lettters on my blog.

The 6 ways to build people are::

1. Be Amicable with Everyone. This isn't to say you are or will be buddy-buddy with them, just that you are more approachable, inviting and open to all.
2. Share with Everyone. Be that willing to share yourself with others as they will feel comfortable doing the same with you. Of course there is a limit and boundary to some things, I understand, however to be too guarded will keep from developing trust and dedication from them to you.
3. Seek Out Mentors and Knowledge. Anything needed to help you learn more, become more is certainly available to you if you just search long and hard enoough to find it.
4. Be Royally Loyal. Hewlett Packard learned this day after day after day within his organization. He walked the floor of his company demonstrating this to his people. The more you give this the more you will get in return. It is the best investment in others you can make.
5. Care to Be Fair. When you emulate this to others, their behavior towards you and others will yield a very positive return.
6. Always Find the Humor in Most Situations. One of the best indicators of one's ability to lead and be a positive role model is to laugh at themselves first so as to not leave the job to others. It neutralizes pressure in most all tense situations and brings a calm to any energized atmosphere.

I wish you all well as you continue to develop yourself in whatever way you feel the need to grow in. Just know that this journey through life is just that and not a destination we ever reach.

Men--How to Forgive and Apologize

2010-10-11T13:41:00.000-07:00

There are as many differences between the sexes that we can imagine, however the importance of understanding both is crucial to the happiness of all.We never are going to fully know the inner workings of a woman's mind yet we need to live our life like we do.There are things we can do to begin a process of shifting our thoughts to reflect a more open, understanding mindset. A great way to demonstrate this is to learn how to truly forgive and to apologize. I am sure a automatic knee jerk reaction to this is, " sure, bet on it-can't wait". Well-we can continue on our merry way looking to "be right" OR we can choose to be happy.Your choice. When someone has to be right all of the time that means someone else has to be wrong. How do you think that feels always for them? Forgiving and apologizing in a sincere way is the highest form of respect you can give someone. It starts with you first though to have a genuine, gracious, open and honest heart. Pure love is able to be released to others which I believe is our greatest ability to create joy peace and happiness.Forgiving is totally releasing any emotion or future attitude toward another human being in regards to what was said or done. To truly do this for another gives you the best oppoprtunity to be forgiven when it becomes your turn. When you teach people how to treat you, they sense a feeling of trust, acceptance and support. When it comes to apologizing, learn the art of doing this which means "no explanations". If indeed you were illmannered, insensitive, abusive, etc, be man enough to say it, own it and ackowledge just what you did. Too many times men give these watered down excuses, reasons and explanations, hoping the other person will buy one of them to make it go away. That approach will never validate the other person in regards to the way they were made to feel. Men may not worry about this because usually a quick apology between men will do, however that is not what this is all about. Get this--if you are unwilling to be explicit with your mistakes and express this to a woman, she will keep the discussion going until you do. It just is extremely different for them. This is a law of life and definitely non-negotiable.These are two subjects we could go on and on with, I realize that, however if this is needed in your relationship or your life I would be glad to be of assistance. Happy trails!!

2010-09-26T18:21:00.000-07:00

Identifying Abuse
(From the National Domestic Abuse Hotline)
　
Does your partner:
* Embarrass you with put downs
* Look at or act in ways that scare you
* Control who, what you do, see, talk to or go see
* Isolate you from friends, family members or supporters
* Manipulate you with control of money
* Dominate all decisions
* Criticize your parenting and threaten to take away or hurt your children
* Prevent you from working or attending school
* Deny or downplay abuse or try to blame you for "provoking" it
* Destroy your property
* Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons
* Shove you, slap you, choke you, hit you or hurt you in some way
* Force you to drop charges
* Threaten to take their life
* Threaten to kill you, children or others
If you answered "YES" to just one of these questions your risk of living in an abusive situation is very high. Please seek out the proper help for yourself if this may be happening in your life.

Assertiveness or aggressiveness?

2010-09-11T19:34:00.000-07:00

In following some published articles on health, stress and ways to manage these effectively, there has been a common theme to them which I have found quite interesting. There is evidence as to the very thoughts and feelings we carry around inside of us, "reacting" negatively to people, situations and just life's events taking place. Letting these build up inside of us, having revengeful, emotional attitudes we carry around 24/7, is likened to taking poison expecting others to die. We have the responsibility to "respond" more healthily, as we shoulder the burden on how to learn more about how to move past these events in terms of getting well.
　
In our rapidly changing world of our economy, businesses, families, relationships, fast paced technology advances and many other vital aspects of our lives, the need for understanding, insight, patience, awareness, diligence and stress reduction are of utmost concern.
Our families, jobs, relationships are all at risk due to the way we handle all of these encounters. There are three major significant areas of change which happen within us, they are our physiological, psychological and emotional balances. Our inner immune system takes a hit, our constructive methods of problem solving and coping are attacked while mood swings create anxiety, fears and depression.
I am not advocating a one size fits all solution, however if any of these three areas you have noticed are and have been impacted, then I strongly recommend you begin searching methods to reverse the trend. If we keep doing the same things with people or events, we will continue with the same results--no rocket science here. I can assure you that to healthily assert yourself, rather than be pushy, quarrelsome, attacking and fighting to be right, will be much healthier as you adopt these new ways for successfully thriving in today's world. This is all about how we handle change when we are confronted with it. Yes, change is and can be difficult sometimes, yet what turmoil you may feel in the inside will ensure a life of conflict on the outside. We must learn a much more healthy way of communicating effectively our wants, needs, fears, tolerations and expectations to others. The art of assertiveness gives you just that. You are respecting others rights of being while retaining your own.
The real difference between assertiveness and aggression is how the words we use, the behaviors we exhibit towards others, affect their well being and their rights. How do you want to be regarded? Are you a right fighter who argues to win? Do you look for more problems than solutions as if there is a reward for finding them? Are you in the mode of "victim" rather than the "victor" mode of consciousness? How do you see yourself and what do you need?
Working with a coach can elevate these areas of functioning, enabling you to think clearer, engage others more proactively while yielding more positive results overall in your life.
Just as a means of personal reflection and accountability, ask the people in your life who you know, like and trust, to give you feedback about your demeanor, ex: "Am I prone to act more aggressive or assertive"?
Take your own inventory so as to map out a plan for your success.
If you think of someone who might benefit some assertive skill building, please share my information with them as I would be honored to speak with them.
Thank you for your time.

How to Avoid Relationship killers

2010-09-10T20:34:00.000-07:00

Here are a number of areas in relationships which can totally run it into the ditch without any willingness to change. I believe these are self explanatory and can stand on their own with maybe a little discussion of a few of them. I hope this provides some insight and help into the lives of many.

How do we avoid potential relationship pitfalls and what are some of the ones which cause these? Here are a few from my relationship coaching folks have had as concerns. I believe if we can learn from others, our own experiences can create more serenity, peace and contentment in the life we live.
RIGHT FIGHTING: People who engage in these type of discussions will generally and more often make others "wrong" which means everyone loses. Is that how you want to define yourself? If so, how much fun are you to live with?
ACCUSATORY OVERTONES: Do you look for blame, wrong, missing or lacking as if there were a reward for doing so? Be careful when pointing a finger as you will always have 3 pointing back at you.
MANIPULATION/CONTROL: Know and understand that the only thing we control are our reactions and responses to what happens to us. Other than that people are going to shut down and shut off towards any type of control they are living with. May work in the short run however it is very unhealthy, abusive and disrespectful.
RELATIONSHIP RESPONSIBILITY: To know and fully understand each of us is charged with growing, learning and becoming the very best person we can be. We do not do this at the expense of someone else's life. We create the very best relationship with our self first before joining our life with someone else.
COMMUNICATION HABITS: How many people I hear from, who just wish they could be talked to nicer, more sincerely and more truthfully as to what lays deep inside. Learn more about what we call the "currency" of others so we can deliver. What do they need, want and expect from people when being verbally engaged.
RESPECTING NEEDS AND WANTS: Here are a couple of areas of personal importance which are as individual as our fingerprints. Know how to access them and deliver as needed. It can be a game changer to everyone's life.
WORK THINGS OUT AS OPPOSED TO ACTING THINGS OUT: This one is so important as it dovetails to the communication title above. Without a language of feelings to fully express what it is you expect, then what happens is we emotionally wear our feelings on our sleeves and act it out hoping the other person gets our message. Rise above this.
GIVE AWAY 100 TO GET 50: This is a Dr. Phil-ism: "When you have to give up 100% of who you are to become half of something else, isn't the price you are having to pay just way too high"? Think about what, who and how much you might have been expected to compromise to have a life of someone else's expectations. Readjust, refigure and re launch the life you were authentically designed to live.
I hope these have been a mind shift for you or someone you might know who can benefit from this information. Any further information you would like, I welcome you to take advantage of my free introductory call to see how coaching can work for you.

Is Herbal Medicine Effective For Depression?

2009-06-28T09:35:00.000-07:00

By Dr. Tara Peyman
Saturday, June 27, 2009
When it comes to treating depression, anxiety, or other mood disorders, the best course of action is to address the underlying cause. You may just want to take a pill that covers up your symptoms. But if you prefer to get to the root of the problem and treat it naturally, there are many options that are safe, effective, and affordable. Botanical (herbal) medicine is ideal for anyone who wants a natural alternative to taking medications with harmful or unwanted side effects. There are a wide variety of medicinal plants, and we can prescribe these herbs to you as either capsules, liquid extracts, or teas.It is important to check with a naturopathic physician before beginning any new botanical prescription, because some herbs have strong medicinal properties, and may interact with other medications. There are also several different options regarding the strength and frequency of dosing medicinal herbs. By talking with a doctor who specializes in natural medicine and knows about not only how to prescribe botanical medicine, but also how to determine drug-herb interactions, you will be sure to get the best and safest results.Botanical medicine can be very effective for treating a variety of conditions, and may be used in combination with other therapies in order to restore health. Certain herbs can decrease symptoms of depression and anxiety, such as:
St. John’s Wort (Hypericum)
Passion Flower (Passiflora)
Lemon Balm (Melissa)
Kava (Piper methisticum)
Siberian ginseng (Eleuthrococcus)

Many other herbs like St. John’s Wort can be helpful for symptoms of depression. This herb works by prolonging the time that serotonin is in the blood, thereby allowing serotonin to work longer. St. John’s Wort also slows down the reuptake of dopamine and GABA from the synaptic cleft. This can result in feelings of happiness, relaxation, and better energy. Passion Flower, Lemon Balm, and Kava are often helpful for anxiety, because they promote mental tranquility and reduce restlessness. These herbs can also be used to help with insomnia. Siberian ginseng can help to improve energy, promote better physical endurance, and also reduce the negative effects of stress. This type of ginseng is energizing, but somewhat less stimulating than some of the other types of ginseng available. Before you try any of these herbs, check with a naturopathic doctor to determine the ideal dose, or whether one herb or a combination of herbs would be best for your symptoms. Botanical medicine works well in combination with other natural therapies, and many of the best formulas for depression and anxiety contain both vitamins, amino acids, and herbs, for optimal mood support.
Tara Peyman, Naturopathic PhysicianFeel Like Yourself Again With Natural Medicinewww. DrTaraPeyman.com Tara Peyman is a licensed Naturopathic Doctor in the state of Arizona. Her expertise is treating depression and anxiety with natural medicine

What do You Know About Adrenal Fatigue?

2009-06-27T19:48:00.000-07:00

Are you aware that you have stress glands to help you cope with all of life's problems? That is what our adrenal glands are referred to which help us handle all of what life throws at us. These glands are the size of a walnut which sit up on top of each kidney. We can suffer adrenal fatigue if our body has the inability to cope with everyday stressors. Every aspect of our life from injuries to relationship problems can be affected without the proper functioning of these glands.

As we list the different stressors being physical, emotional, environmental and psychological; they will all be responsible for giving folks a physiological malady. This fatigue is very real, as clients I have coached who have experienced this will tell you, it is so powerfully real and debilitating.

Dr. James A. Wilson's book, "Adrenal Fatigue" goes into great detail about this topic and is recommended highly. We will refer to some of his specific research.

Studies have shown that 90% of Doctor visits are the result of our inability to cope with stress effectively. Up to 80 % of Americans suffer from some form of diagnosed illness in the U.S., yet this remains one of the most preventable conditions.

This fatigue is generally triggered by some form of stress, be it mild, or severe. If your capacity to cope or recover is exceeded, some form of fatigue can occur. IF--there is any respiratory condition that exists prior to this fatigue, it will cause it to come on much quicker. Dr. Wilson goes on to say, "The highest contributor of this disease, are feelings of powerlessness, perfectionism, being a participant in a no win situation and also internal emotional stress".

People's lifestyles are determined to be the most important part of anyone's fatigue recovery program. This would be paramount in creating a foundation for change. Folks will need this change the most who are feeling trapped, helpless and ones who are victims of continuous difficulties. Many times the causes of adrenal fatigue are not obvious because the combined stressors looks so different.

All health drains which come from factors affecting our adrenals can be caused by: fear, caffeine, lack of good food, toxic people in dysfunctional relationships, chronic pain, lack of regular sleep, death of a loved one, negative attitudes, beliefs and many others too numerous to list. There are three choices immediately we can make. (1) You can change the situation, (2) change yourself to fit(adapt), (3) you can leave the situation.

Learn to identify the very "energy robbers" which are showing up in your daily life. Learn to start using your positive energy in a way to be honest and real about becoming aware of exactly what you need. Newly learned skills can begin to create a happy, healthy, balanced life you are so deserving of. There are many more bits of information with great ideas and exercises in Dr Wilson's book. I highly recommend you review this book if you have an interest in handling stress so it does not handle you with effects from adrenal fatigue.

Acceptance Vs Acknowledgement

2009-06-24T13:43:00.000-07:00

Recently the topic of dealing with "unexpected happenstances" in our lives came up for discussion. Reference was made to how "good meaning" people will tell others what would work best for someone having a similiar experience. We all have the most honorable intentions for helping others however our recommendations can be based soley on the life experiences we previously have had.

In the stressful times we are going through presently, we can be bombarded with several situatons all at once or at real close intervals of time. What we all are not aware of is the next calamity which will come without warning. Each of us has a different method of coping with stress and traumatic events which when presented, take us to a new emotional high. When it happens to others, hopefully what we verbally share with them will be nurturing, effective, positive, helpful and supportive.

Currently being part of a grief support for the last 22 years I can only say that these interactions between people are not always warm and fuzzy. There is a phrase called, "untintentional ignorance" which best fits situations when we say things to people and they react negatively to it. They didn't mean to say that particular thing, however that is what they have learned over time. We will not realize it is the wrong thing until we get the necessary feedback to help educate us. Example: a young adult living with a brain tumor has a stroke and suddenly dies. Someone talking with the family may say something like," he is better off now so as to not have to struggle with his condition anymore or this is God's will". The person on the receiving end of these comments will get mad at both you and God however, will take it out directly on you for being the one present. Reason being that any time they have to still spend with their loved one is better than their dying. If we say, " we just have to accept this and move forward or go on", that might sound good to the sender but not to the receiver. Acknowledging the loss, yes, that is important however being accepting of the death might just take a little time to do that.

Unless you have experienced death, sudden death or some type of a traumatic loss, divorce etc, all of the ways we experience grief will be as different as our fingerprints for everyone. We usually can be real safe by giving hugs, saying, "there are no words, I am just really sorry to hear this" and then just ask for their guidance to help them through it. If we are mindful of these platitudes, as we so unconsciously express them, we will definitely have a better chance to not alienate the very people we are looking to help suppport. I know you might be saying, "gee Bob I would never hurt someone at a time like that". I do realize that and it would never be an outright intention. What the history of our grief group's contribution to this topic has been, says that there is an absolute need to educate the public about how to handle these situations with more awareness and consciousness.

Generally, we will never have had any formal training in expressing grief, just sharing with others what we have heard people say. I hope this might help in some small way the next time you encounter someone's grief with their loss.

6 Ways Which Destroy Relationships

2009-06-14T10:02:00.000-07:00

Why is that when we as human beings profess to care or be concerned about anyone else, will allow such negative actions, reactions and attitudes to enter into our world? Unfortunately, the very way we think and care about our own self has a way of infecting others. There are as many different ways we can create and bring about dissension in our lives. Specifically showcasing the following I can only hope, will generate some change of thinking and behaving if any of these are alive and unwell in your life.

(1) History Keeping: When someone is always dredging up the past and reciting old transgressions, this can quickly inject discontent and fuel some anger in a conversation. It is cruel to work so hard on memorizing the past of negative events and then to verbally beat someone up with it over and over again, as though they can go back in time and erase it. We learn from the past we do not "burn" someone with it continually.

(2) Blame Gaming: This one is right up there with verbal abuse in my opinion. Many situations are fueled by one's attempt to get a person feeling bad about choices they have made. More often than not, most people realize the ills of having made a choice which didn't work out so well. How in the world does dog piling on them more, help them to move forward and grow? Too often we will be blamed by others so much, as if there is a reward for doing so. Either verbally or physically pointing a finger at someone is never going to work out. If for the moment, it seems to be a good idea, just think of how you dislike it when that is done to you. No one enjoys being blamed or shamed about anything.

(3) Non forgiving: For way too long, having any unforgiving spirit will only harden peoples attitude towards you. If there is not an ounce of forgiveness in your soul, what chance will there be of you receiving any if that is important for you? None of us, I repeat, none of us have got the authority over an other's life to be so entrenched in being unforgiving. The Chinese Proverb says it best, "He who pursues revenge shall dig two graves, one for them self and one for the other person."

(4) Attacking: When we think of what this word conjures up in us, think of an attack dog OR being attacked by a robber, How does the person being attacked feel? If never having been in either situation we can never really feel what it is about. However, we all have a pretty good idea of what it would be like. Tell you what. If you want to do some attacking, attack the weeds in the yard, a large painting project or any other large task. Gently approach the soul, mind and spirit of another human being.

(5) Right Fighting: This one can appear to be self explanatory. A person who has to be right, act right or have the world go right (according to them), generally is filled up with one thing and that is "not enough". Their inner feeling of "not enoughness" produces conflict with other people in their life. They essentially have to take from others with this form of invasion, to feel okay. An attitude of right fighting and having the last word is most paramount to filling a void in one who cannot be filled. It screams very loudly that their own sense of self esteem, personal power and self worth is that far off the road and in the ditch. Learn to fill your own cup, continually overflowing so you will, be, can, do and will always have enough.

(6) Manipulating: This one has such a control issue attached to it, which when utilized, is symbolically murdering the spirit of another human being. Sounds hard I know. People who think they are in control of everything are in control of nothing. To manipulate is to take the very control of someone else's life. Yes--they are giving you that control and at some point will take it back. In the meantime, what they are signing on for is a form of brain washing. By not being a responsible person, the manipulator will make the other person responsible for them. The sad thing is manipulators will never be pleased enough by someone else. YOU will generally be criticized for not doing things right. Manipulators can be quite pronounced and visible in their tactics, but most often they are very devious, subtle and conniving. Eventually, people will get fed up, used up and will want out at all costs.

I hope by just shining a bright light on these will help put into perspective what doesn't work and will never be effective in any relationship. Now is the time to put a stop order in place and say no more. Begin to stand for what is pure, good, healthy, positive, productive and forthright.

Self Talk Follow up--What Do We Do With This?

2009-06-09T17:47:00.000-07:00

In regards to the previous lettergram I sent out on "Self Talk", I have had a number of requests to go further with this topic. Primarily this has to do with more of the "How To" when we talk to our self so we will keep this light and airy. Oh-before going any further I need to make a correction about a reference to an author's name in my last mailing. Terry Cole-Whittaker is the author of "What You Think Of Me Is None Of My Business", not Elizabeth Kirpatrick.
So much of our day to day interactions with others can be divided into two categories; contamination and contribution. When inner conflict shows up as outer turmoil, the result is generally contamination between people. Ill feelings obviously happen and then a falling out takes place. Thoughts we have which we can label "toxic" are going to adversely affect the relationship we have with others.
So how do we make sure we are contributing to our own mental well-being, when extended to others will form healthier unions? Let's recognize that there are different levels of thinking which create more effective styles of communicating. If more of our thoughts are negatively charged, much of what we, as well as others will hear us make statements like, "I can't-don't, I wish, could, should and if only. These are extremely self limiting and self defeating. No One deserves a plan which is geared for failure.
The next form of destructive self talk involves watered down self intentions for "wanting" to be different, however it just doesn't happen. Hearing words such as "could have, would have, should have" will more often show some intent but not very deliberate convictions. We must be more diligent of what we hear and what others hear us say.
What we all want is a solid plan for success and being totally committed to a healthier process of communicating. We will create this by listening to what we are "thinking" about and then speaking it. We continue to contribute to everyone concerned by paying strict attention to our thoughts.
Now we knock the "T's" out of can't, won't and don't. We will speak in terms of can, will and do! We become more action oriented about being committed to change. Just with this minor shift in our behavioral thinking will begin to program our mind and attitude toward more positive expressions. Your brains' conscious and subconscious wiring only knows what you teach it. These proactive methods of thinking will begin shifting your conscious awareness, taking you in the direction you want to go, becoming the person you want to be to others and yourself.
I hope this has shed some light on ways we can daily begin elevating the lives of all concerned.
Thank you again for all the support.

How Important is Self Talk?

2009-05-30T18:12:00.000-07:00

We all have certain thoughts and "perceptions" about what our truths are. When you look at these, ask yourself if they both are accurate and on point? OR have they both just become your reality over time?
Too many times we will repeat to ourself, things we have heard people say to us or what we say to self after making a decision which didn't go very well. Somehow we just dogpile on our own psyche and bombard it with gross negativity.
Because we as humans will have over 50,000 thoughts daily, we had better become more effective gate keepers about what we are storing in the most magnificient computer ever created-the one we call our brain. Isn't it just sort of miraculous how two people can look at exactly the same thing and see something totally different? Learn to listen attentively to people who have different opinions of you yet always be searching for truth. Ask any law enforcement officer about eyewitnesses to an accident to check this out.
What we hold as our truths about ourselves, others and life, needs to be challenged on a regular basis. When it comes to our opinion of others, many times we may act too impulsively before realizing that we do not have to change friends rather understand that friends change.
One of my favorite sayings from Dr. Wayne Dyer says, "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." I add the word "people" to that because we all can get too judgemental about others.
We are always busy subconsciously, saying things to ourselves, mostly about us, which is negativly impacting our self esteem, self worth and self confidence. Whether we realize it or not it is generally chipping away at what we call our personal power. Become kinder and more gentle with yourself no matter what the situation, because your subconscious is constantly at work, storing all of your thoughts as you think them.
By managing our thoughts effectively, be ready to challenge what you hear yourself or someone else say. No matter how long or many times you have heard something, there is just as much possibility of it being wrong as opposed to being correct. Either way, a change of venue needs to happen. Always protect and enhance your self esteem as to what you think about you is most important. Just as Elizabeth Kirpatrick wrote of her book title, "What You Think of Me is None of My Business", this needs to become our mantra. Amen- period, end of story.!!!!
No matter who, what, where, when, or why, whatever situations and no matter the consequences, those who are the most honest with themselves will be the ones to travel farthest in life and will prevail.
Our self talk is all about self control. Starting today, no matter where we came from, what we have done or said-whatever our circumstances have dictated to us-we now are charged with who we become. That is our main responsibility. Take a shower of positive energy and ask yourself:

Who am I?
What do I care about?
What makes me me?
What have I accomplished?
How do I discipline myself positively?
What am I good at?
What makes me happy?

Lastly, there are two great sayings I believe are at the base of what we are talking about here--Marcus Aurelius said,"Our life is what our thoughts make it." Finally, Cardinal Neuman said, "We can believe what we choose. We are answerable for what we choose to believe".

Thank you always for your continued support and have a great day!!

Where Are The Leaders???

2009-05-21T15:17:00.000-07:00

We hear this word used to describe ones in advisory capacities and positions, however how do they measure up in their leadership abilities? Are leaders born or are they made? Everyone has a different take on that I am sure but one thing we all can agree on is that we all would require our leaders to possess certain qualities and attributes to command our respect, support and dedication.
Whether this is a national, state, county, civic, business or even a family issue, a leader has a responsibility to the very people they are in charge of. What do you require of a person you would consider to be a leader worth following? Have you ever thought of what a leader in your life needs to stand for? Can we agree that the very person we tap as a leader will have the innate ability to empower others to stand tall and large, especially when it comes to fully and freely expressing wants, needs, expectations, frustrations and concerns?
This all has to do with the image one presents of themself to others. Their very own values are speaking for them daily, communicating to everyone they meet by their actions observed. I also think we would prefer a leader to be quite accesssible: a good comparative analogy would be a wagonwheel with our leader being the hub supporting us, the spokes of the wheel. This promotes an open pathway of both communication and support for all concerned.
In regards to the topic of communicating, Admiral Rickover of the U. S. Navy said it best, "Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events and small minds discuss people."Good solid leaders are generally vested in their people. Once again, empowering others in the successful development of each ones's potential always benefits everyone and the whole organization. Some of the qualities that go into developing a "LEADER" can be as follows: Listens attentively--Empathetic approach to others--Attitude of being healthy and positive--Disciplined constructively--Enthusiasm displayed genuinely with all--Respectful of all's views and positions. Many people come and go in leadership positions however I would hope we all would be and become proactive when it comes to expressing what works best for all of us. Everyone knows how to get the job done and with a realistic timeline, coupled with good direction, the job will generally go quite smoothly.
Leaders--we ask that the art of commanding be utilized not being demanding.posted by Bob Riley @ 12:41 PM 0 Comments
Posted by Bob Riley at 1:59 PM

Mars and Venus Continuing On

2009-05-21T15:13:00.000-07:00

Because Mars and Venus are are so different, as John Gray continues to instruct us, their communication styles also have marked differences. For instance: If a woman may complain about her life, immediately the man feels the need to offer her a solution. (As if she isn't able to figure it out on her own.) However, that is what men do is fix things. When she says,"I just don't have time or enough help to get things done at work." Once again, men will tell her to slow down, don't try to do so much and get some people to help.
To men, that makes sense-to women that is so far off base. Instead, say to her, "you are such a hard worker and always give your best. Can I give you a hug?" Now, you may tell her that she worries too much and works way too hard. "Let's just forget it and just go out". No-she will not and is unable to just forget it.
Right now, men just need to listen to all that is being said, give an offer to help or ask if there is anything you can do? A woman needs to be heard and once that is done and she has processed her feelings, she will feel much better. Just refrain from fixing any problem. Offering up some explanation for why things are will most likely be met with silence or resistance.
Just stay neutral, validate what and how it must be affecting her without doing any fixing. Ask if there is something you can do to help her. This is rather confusing, however with a little bit of work, we men can learn the rhythm of communicating on Venus.
Next time, John Gray will show us what men are thinking and saying. Until then.....................

Mars Mistakenly Communicating To Venus

2009-05-21T15:09:00.000-07:00

When guys are not aware of their words or actions, they send large messages to women. When initially getting to know a woman, men can go on and on about either themself or about life theories they embrace.Women want men to be attracted to them for who they are and to demonstrate an obvious interest in her. Men need to understand that their knowledge about life etc, doesn't create an automatic attraction interest of him in her. THIS is a definite turn off. Being in conversation with a woman, when they display negative feelings about a situation or a person, this does not mean she is "hard to please."
We share equally with one another ALL sides of us because that is what forms the bond of a relationship. Men-take the focus off what you want and you will begin to see her in a dilfferent light. Never cease to extend compliments to a woman. A continuous flow of them, no matter how long you have been together, will always indicate your appreciation and interest in her. This helps to fuel the attraction she will have toward you.
Never become complacent about a relationship thinking you can live off the interest of your initial emotional deposit of having won her love and think you can now coast along, assuming she knows that you care. Always be in tune with what she is interested in while displaying your interest in her, That will heighten the attraction you will both have for one another, while strengthening the relationship, as you grow together.
In the last part of this series we will see how vitally important it is on both planets when it comes to making apologies.------------ Be well!!!

10 Things Kids Need To Give Them Hope

2009-05-21T14:32:00.000-07:00

To be instilling a sense of optimism and feeling positive about themselves and others, we as adults need to concentrate on providing hope to youngsters. Let's look at what we can proactively do everyday.

First: Let's create healthy self esteem and competence in young ones. We do that by developing a confident sense of self.

Second: We need to affirm cultural competence and we help them by being proud of their heritage.

Third: Let's help children identify and express feelings they have which will help them understand themselves and others better.

Fourth: Let's role model what empathy is so they can learn what others are feeling.

Fifth: Let's demonstrate what perseverance is so we can show them what not giving up means.

Sixth: We need to role model responsibility which will show children what needs to be done, how to do it and how to complete it.

Seventh: Showing children the cause and effect of choices made will teach them how to associate the effects of certain actions.

Eighth: Teach them the technique of reframing which helps them look at problems differently and with a much more positive attitude.

Ninth: This is critical-problem solving, which done in the right way will teach them throughout their life to find once again, positive solutions to whatever problems they encounter.

Tenth: This need not be surprising, optimism and hope. Providing hope through their life will help to keep happiness in their life. There is an acronym for hope which is: Hold On Possibilities Exist!

Advocating for children is something I believe we are all charged with and if done with the correct mindset in place, children will have such a better shot at a more well rounded future and well balanced, happy life.

Let's Choose Happiness

2009-05-21T14:26:00.000-07:00

Recently I saw a publication that one of my readers recently sent my way titled, "You Can Choose to Be Happy" by Tom Stevens. The title had reminded me of a book I had read years ago name "What Happy People Know" by Dr. Dan Baker. Yes I do enjoy filling myself up with as much of the positive minded attitudes I can find. Dr. Baker had said that there are as many as 54,000+ articles written on depression, anger, negativity etc however only a few hundred about positivity, happiness and the like.Ever wonder why we are being bombarded with TV commercials pushing medicines to quell these conditions?
Please understand that I am fully aware that in many peoples lives medicines are proper and necessary for daily functioning. However, for the rest author Tom Stevens is telling us we can "Rise Above" anxiety, fears, anger and depression. What we all must define is our self talk we listen to all day long.
What is your little voice saying to you? We all have a very special "you" inside of us who needs to be discovered. I believe that by understaanding the power of choice is important for all of us. If we do not choose to be happy then by default we are choosing something else. THAT may take a minuite or two to sink in.
A true and accurate statement--Happiness is hard work. Some of us have more insight to this than others. I have a rule of thumb about creating what you want in life. "Treat others as nice as you would like to be treated". I will ask you to join my Smile and Compliment Club! Each day as you saddle up to go out the door, place a big smile on that face and go give away as many sincere, genuine and honest compliments to others who are just going through their day living their life. Become "enough" to yourself by giving to others. By continuing to be critical, judgemental or have venom in your veins towards others, a true sense of happiness will continue to elude you. None of us have been given permission to be so pessimistic to anyone. Be mindful of the positive thoughts you fill yourself up with. Remember--you will become what you think about the most. Be careful--a positive thought heals, a negative thought steals--clearly again your choice!!! Deciding to be positive will increase your chances of problem solving abilities.With the holidays here and with this being the season of giving, it can become the purest form of appreciation. It is all about the giving because it asks nothing in return.
So begin with yourself first, THEN extend outward to others. This is something to personally experience (feel it) more so than making it a mental exercise.We all were taught to be responsibile for our actions however we were never told to be responsible for our feelings. Somehow we missed the memo.
Making a choice to be happy is to be proactive about stepping out of your comfort zone and do the work to achieve the desired results. I hope all of your choices will be positive as you travel along your journey to happiness.

Let's Create Some Space In Our Life

2009-05-21T14:16:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we are going so fast that we do not either slow down, or stop all together to take an in depth look at what we need for our own self. Some of us have been programmed to the point where we are the perpetual caregivers to the entire universe. If you think about it, doing that is no gift at all to us, or to others, who are being taught to always turn to us for help or rescue.
At some point, we are going to come to the realization that this is just not working for us anymore. Look at the word "selfish". As young children, we were taught not to be this way, yours truly included. however, in the world of coaching, we will tell you to first make two words out of one: "self-ish". We give to each one of us the permission, to have the utmost care and regard for our own self development. As we relate this to our family, friends, job/work associates-we must always be aware that taking care of "self" is job one. The process of doing that is the "ish" part. It is ALL about taking care of self.
Now that we have defined it, why don't we look at some of the ways we can implement the "how" factor.? First, let's begin to unclutter your life. Where can we begin cleaning and clearing out a space to fit new ways of "being and doing" into your daily plan? As a result of the being and doing you will eventually get to the "having" part. Next, clear your calendar-learn to say no. This is self explanatory and easier said than done-I get it. I'm not saying you have to do it, just that it is necessary you begin it. Then, keep your free time "FREE". Only you make that happen or not.
Take time to meditate. Listen to the rhythm of your soul's consciousness. Take time for this. How about, return to the simplicity of nature? This one I have been taught by my clients. It works. Be careful of the critical people in your life. I have mentioned this before about developing the mindset of the book title,"What you think of me is none of my business". Crude? Not really. We are not running a popularity contest nor are we seeking the approval of others. If you are please call me immediately!! Take time for your health. Once you lose this or compromise it is difficult to get it back. Let this be a daily focus. Slow down-there's more to life than making it go faster. Make each day a day to reflect back on. DEBT-Do what you can to remove it from your life.
Once again--I'm not saying you have to do this OR any of the above, I just believe it is necessary to consider these to dial down the very stress these can be creating in you. Last of all, focus on you. Ideally it needed to be the first one we talked about however, I wanted this to be the last one you thought about the most. You-You-You! You are important. Remember--SELF -- Ish?Two thoughts I will leave you with; "The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything".
Last but definitely not least, "Live simply, love generously and care deeply". Something I am sure I saw in a store on a plaque somewhere. It makes sense!!!! Thanks always for your time, interest and support. I am truly grateful."BE" a great day!!!

Follow Up On Boundaries

2009-05-21T14:09:00.000-07:00

Boundaries are as necessary to our body as fuel is to any engine. So many people say they are living their lives when indeed they are just existing in their life. Whenever we do not feel the worth of our own selves, demonstrated by not being able to say what we want, or do what we want, it is as if we have given control of our lives over to just about anybody else on the planet.To feel muzzled, gagged, tied up in a knot by someone else's standards or demands, is not living a full functioning life.
We, as individuals, must realize this is no dress rehearsal, as we turn each page of our daily life. We are responsible for what we do and who we are becoming. Setting boundaries is one of the primary tools and the fuel we need for designing the life we really want to live.Two of the main reasons we set boundaries are to first protect ourselves and/or anyone else we are in charge of (physically, verbally, spiritually, socially and psychologically). Secondly, when we state what we want, what we expect, what we will and will not tolerate, we stay out of the other person's head, as to how and what they are going think of us. We will be free to state our wants, needs expectations and tolerations.
Our life must belong to us or we turn over the helm of our ship to just about anybody who will take it. We deserve better than that and a Coach will help you define your boundaries and show you how to implement them immediately.
As your Coach, I care about you and how you can free yourself from the chaos of these age old, self imposed restrictions and bondages. IMMEDIATELY--when you realize that someone is crossing the line, especially verbally, say to yourself in your head first, "I will not take your guilt".
Now that you are warmed up, let those words roll right off your lips. It is very empowering. If unable, then just say it to yourself mentally until you can express it. Picture a hula hoop and 50 feet of garden hose in a circle. Those represent your boundaries. Without any verbal responses to people, they can get real close to you. Hence the hula hoop. Not much room to move around in. However when you begin to address these remarks and verbal attacks, letting others know what you will tolerate and won't tolerate will put them on notice that change is coming about and it is all "about" you. NOW you step out of the hula hoop and step into the 50 feet of garden hose. Much more room to operate in as people will only get as close to you that you let them. Give this a run around the block a couple of times and see if you have success with it.
I am not saying this is easy to do nor that you have to. I am saying that it is necessary for your own survival and quality of life. I am also saying that as long as you allow these situations to continue, you can expect more of the same.So-unless and until you decide what you want in your life, just expect the same old stuff to continue.
EVERYONE is allowed to establish boundaries between ourselves(what we accept from ourself and what we won't), others and situations. When it becomes difficult and you loose your way, then it is time to call the Coach. I wish you Godspeed with this, as we can always disuss this at length by taking advantage of my free offer of 30 minutes of free coaching. Thanks again for your time!!
posted by Bob Riley @ 10:53 PM 0 Comments

How To Enhance Your Career or Profession

2009-03-16T05:16:00.000-07:00

I have had a number of conversations with career counselors and advisors of folks seeking career moves. One of the common grounds we seem to agree on is that there are a percentage of people who hold jobs they seem to be less than satisfied with. On the other hand, there are employers who are tolerating workers just to keep a position filled. In each case scenario, a prospective employer will be looking really careful as to who they have in their employ. Are there folks who just may be going along to get along? Will they do today what they did yesterday because they have gotten very lax and complacent in their routine? If someone came along to demonstrate quite a bit more enthusiasm or interest in this certain position, wouldn't a employer be inclined to look at you differently? Just the fact that if the right person came along to fill that position, all of a sudden somone is unexpectedly looking for a job. Taking a hard look at what we are doing and who we are becoming, I believe, is most important to continue helping us to remain most "attractive". Two distinct qualities which will help you with that is to have a very positive attitude while greeting everyone with a smile. It is said that will give you "face value". Think about how you feel when you are greeted by someone who knows how to effectively display both of these qualities. When answering a telephone, make sure you have your smile on before you start talking. A positive attitude without a doubt helps you to stay out of conflict with your supervisors, customers and fellow workers. By displaying a negative disposition and adversarial reactions will surely undermine your chances for job longevity and chances for advancement. There is an expression, "Who you are speaks so loud I cannot hear what you are saying". Absolutely speaks volumes of who we are and sometimes we just don't have to open our mouth for people to know that about us. No matter what you do for a living, if you are being paid a check then somehow you are providing a service. Look at the word--S_E_R_V_I_C_E--make two words out of it. SERV / ICE--Do you really "serv" or is there "ice" in your disposition, mannerisms and verbal reactions? Ask trusted associates for thier feedback if this is of interest to you for determining truth about you. We constantly need to keep drilling down to our core truth for proper and total self development. Know yourself to teach others about you personally, get into relationship with yourself first before extending outward to others, while engaging everyone you meet with a smile. When you decide exactly what you want, you will create the necessary steps to get there. If the job/career you have is not the one you want, do not let someone take it from you because you my not have been aware of some of this information. It makes most sense to make a choice to be proactive about things than having to be reactive. Remember--with any place of employment the 85/15 rule: 15% of what you know gets you in the door however the 85% of who you are and what you are about is what keeps you there!!!! Have a great day and best of luck to you!!

How We Can Be Happy

2009-03-16T05:08:00.000-07:00

Recently I saw a publication that one of my readers recently sent my way titled, "You Can Choose to Be Happy" by Tom Stevens. The title had reminded me of a book I had read years ago name "What Happy People Know" by Dr. Dan Baker. Yes I do enjoy filling myself up with as much of the positive minded attitudes I can find. Dr. Baker had said that there are as many as 54,000+ articles written on depression, anger, negativity etc however only a few hundred about positivity, happiness and the like.
Ever wonder why we are being bombarded with tv commercials pushing medicines to quell these conditions? Please understand that I am fully aware that in many peoples lives medicines are proper and necessary for daily functioning. However, for the rest author Tom Stevens is telling us we can "Rise Above" anxiety, fears, anger and depression. What we all must define is our self talk we listen to all day long. What is your little voice saying to you? We all have a very special "you" inside of us who needs to be discovered.
I believe that by understanding the power of choice is important for all of us. If we do not choose to be happy then by default we are choosing something else. THAT may take a minute or two to sink in. A true and accurate statement--Happiness is hard work. Some of us have more insight to this than others. I have a rule of thumb about creating what you want in life. "Treat others as nice as you would like to be treated". I will ask you to join my Smile and Compliment Club! Each day as you saddle up to go out the door, place a big smile on that face and go give away as many sincere, genuine and honest compliments to others who are just going through their day living their life. Become "enough" to yourself by giving to others.
By continuing to be critical, judgemental or have venom in your veins towards others, a true sense of happiness will continue to elude you. None of us have been given permission to be so pessimistic to anyone. Be mindful of the positive thoughts you fill yourself up with. Remember--you will become what you think about the most. Be careful--a positive thought heals, a negative thought steals--clearly again your choice!!!
Deciding to be positive will increase your chances of problem solving abilities. With the holidays here and with this being the season of giving, it can become the purest form of appreciation. It is all about the giving because it asks nothing in return. So begin with yourself first, THEN extend outward to others. This is something to personally experience (feel it) more so than making it a mental exercise.
We all were taught to be responsibile for our actions however we were never told to be responsible for our feelings. Somehow we missed the memo. Making a choice to be happy is to be proactive about stepping out of your comfort zone and do the work to achieve the desired results. I hope all of your choices will be positive as you travel along your journey to happiness.

Life Strategies For Living

2009-03-15T18:07:00.000-07:00

Please look over this list and see if there is at least one strategy out of the several listed which could be beneficial for either yourself or help someone you know.

WATCH YOUR THOUGHTS---With all of the negativity flying around today, no matter where we tend to be, let's agree that we will not participate by adding our two cents. Our self talk is busy all day long telling our subconscious what to think. If we are going to be focusing in on just negatives guess what we end up thinking and feeling? We end up "reacting" to not only our thoughts but everyone who crosses our path during the day. The fact that we have close to 50,000+ thoughts a day, how many of those are positively charged and helping us in a constructive way? We are the gatekeepers to our mind so let us be more proactive in the moment so we do not have to go back and undo damage not otherwise focused on.
HOW DO YOU COPE?---What coping strategies do you utilize? Are they effective? Are they worn out? Whichever ones we have been using up to this point will be reflective of the amount of stress you are under and can endure. Nothing torpedoes us more than to have a new situation arise, needing to be dealt with and a worn out coping skill is used to expect different results. We all see the insanity here. Identify if you are "reacting" or "responding to this dilemma. When we react we tend to be more emotional and "start acting things out" rather than "working things out." We need to discover a language and add it to this experience. Start asking for what you want, need expect or what you will tolerate from others. Be specific. Do not rely on others to hopefully get your message through some divine intervention.
BE A GOAL SETTER---What goals have you set for yourself for this new year?? Have you? And if you have what is your completion percentage rate of accomplishing them? We all start out with these good intentions however we fall short of the mark sometimes for one reason or another. May I offer some tips? Keep your goals the size of your ability to complete them. Losing weight? Lose just a few pounds at a time. Going to be more productive? Break them down into small areas of accomplishments to set yourself up for success. With any goal you are going to set, make sure you are setting a realistic time line for completion. Define what you want to achieve and then take small measureable steps toward your goal. Also- --have an accountability partner that you trust, respect and can depend on to hold your feet to the fire as far as meeting these short term goals. This will assure you of obtaining your desired results while receiving some very accurate and responsible feedback. The more you receive the more informed you will become as you are developing your plan for success. Do what is needed t0 move forward into the direction you want to go, without letting anyone or anything derail you.
Maintain an Attitude of Gratitude--Do you consciously decide to have a grateful attitude? This is and can be done by design. We create the way we will regard ourselves not leaving that job to anyone else. Having a healthy, positive, truly grateful approach to life and people is more important than all the money, cars, houses, planes etc. that one can possibly gather. Decide what you are truly grateful for each day as you suit up to go out into the world engaging others. It will make a tremendous difference in the life you will sart living instead of just existing in.
Forgiving Self and Others---Have you taken the time to stop long enough to give yourself a shower of forgiveness in regards to past circumstances? As hard as it is to forgive yourself goes to show you how adept we get at holding grudges. Please note that holding a grudge is the heaviest thing you will ever carry all of your life. Anger, resentment and a lack of forgiving are some of the major things in life which can destroy a person. We need to find the peace within to be able to extend it out to others. This is not about forgetting. Absolutely not, however the longer you carry this around the old Chinese proverb says it very clearly that, "A man who cannot forgive and seeks revenge must dig two graves--one for himself and one for the other person." Let the peace begin with you as the old hymm says. I believe the Beatles were very clear and succinct when they said, "The love you take is equal to the love you make!"
Want Happiness? Build Solid Relationships--Relationships start with ourself first. Work to undertand who you are, what you stand for, what you need, want, deserve, enjoy, expect or are willing to tolerate. Once learned then you can healthily go out and share that with the world. To have true empathy for others is a sure sense of accomplishment. It does remain though the hardest thing to teach, the hardest thing to learn yet is the easiest thing to forget. A happy person will know about and have an unending supply of empathy to constantly share with everyone they meet. You will gravitate towards happiness and will have a healthy relationships by developing commitment, sincerity, and hardwork to achieve your desired results.
Develop A Generous Spirit---This one sounds easier said than done. People who have been hurt, disrespected, lied to, abused in some way, has had mistrust, and dishonest people in and out of their lives may say, "sure Bob-of course I will be more generous in giving away even more of myself--right!" No matter the hurts, pain, anger, resentments and discomfort felt or experienced, by harboring these you will only give more of your own personal power away to those who will use it against you. Let's strategize a method and plan of success by realizing that it takes an inside effort to make an outside difference. Start releasing all the negativity held inside to make room for this generous spirit you will be working on to fill yourself up with. The sooner you begin to become bold and courageous in this area of your life-when you look back on this time frame you travel through (and you will)--we do not want you to end up regretting the things you didn't do more than the ones you did. Now is the time to get started--get busy!!!!!!!

How Do I Become More Patient????

2009-03-15T18:04:00.000-07:00

As I ask more and more people about self development issues, the three which seem to be of the most interest are: Tolerance--Acceptance--Patience. How can they acquire these qualities? Take the first letter of each word and you have--TAP! Tap-Tap-Tap. A rhythm to walk to daily if you will. Let's break each one down.
TOLERANCE: To be able to tolerate someone or something, in going by Mr. Webster's language he tells us to,"respect others beliefs, practices etc. and to just put up with things". SOOO much easier to say than do, I get it. Whether it be people or situations, so many of us will get into conflict with only ourselves in the room. It is like we go through "conflict zones" when the only person common to these is our self. To extend respect means we must have a high level of self respect. Therein lies a certain amount of awareness & work required to create that if missing. Where a number of people exhibit that conflict is in being "judgemental" of others, when indeed a part of their personality makeup is about judging in interacting with the outside world. One needs to learn how to use that quality positively-not negatively by putting people off.

AcceptanceThis area of self growth has three components: (1) Be accepting of yourself. (2) Accept things as they are. (3) Last and as important accept people as they are. Somehow in toddlerhood we learned that by resisting things/people repeatedly and long enough, eveything including everybody would change. Not the way life is to be lived, however there is so much resistance out there. By following the rule of three, as far as acceptance goes, you will experience continued growth of yourself and others. Then life changes. And---last but certainly not least:

PATIENCE: This becomes the end result of acquiring the first two qualities. Having patience, in this Coach's most humble opinion, is something we develop as we stroll through life as opposed to just showing up in the world having it. Again Mr. Webster's words of wisdom defines "Patience" as, calmly "tolerating" delay, confusion and having endurance. SO-how do we accomplish all of this. BOLO--a law enforcement term meaning,"Be On Look Out. Discover what trips your internal triggers, usually emotionally. Decide if this is about you or someone else.

When you reframe things and run it through this different filter before reacting, it will help you to think it through clearly. With everything that happens, people or situations, consider it all as an "IT". IT will never be about a "YOU". When you respond to an "it", it will require information about the subject and not run the other person into the ground. Once you can make that distinction it frees everyone up to be able to speak freely, removing people from the equation.

What are YOU going to do about how you accept, tolerate and bring patience to all matters? It is and can be difficult however learning more and more about "self" places everyone in a much better frame of mind to be in far more postive control of themselves. Keep growing and keep learning!!!!!!!

How To Have a More Functional Family

2009-03-15T18:01:00.000-07:00

When we all make decisions to create our family units, there are a number of responsibilities we need to be aware of which come naturally with the territory. One thing to remember--a blast from the past--F.A.M.I.L.Y--stands for: FATHER AND MOTHER I LOVE YOU!! We all want to protect, support, defend, nuture, guide, share, love and respect the very people who we share DNA with. We all bring so much of our own personal history to these families we begin relationships with.
We all will have a tendency to unconsciously enmesh the old with the new. By following a few guidelines to chart a new course of direction, here are a few ways to develop a new focus for the family system. Everything starts with family so let us begin with having a spirit of healthy forgiveness. No blame gaming, guilt inducing, resentments, negative attitudes and the like. Truly forgive and let go, so as to have the best chance to be able to grow. Forgiveness starts with our self first so we can effectively give that away to others. Aren't they deserving and worth it? Be open and all encompassing with others. Allow others to genuinely have a place in your life. Create healthy family bonds and loving relationships. Your life will be far more enriched by being more inclusive then exclusive (that meaning excluding others).
Another important facet of healthy families is to express not suppress, demonstrate and respect feelings. Having and role modeling an expressive way of dealing with feelings is a sure fire way of honoring and embracing each family member. They feel the love, joy and validation of just being them. Openly displaying feelings is a way to genuinely teach others to "be and feel" who they authentically are. Many times feelings are discarded, discounted and ignored which stunt people's development. Remember--in order to heal it we must first feel it!!! This rule of thumb applies to people and all of life's situations.
Another healthy functioning component is to have effective ways to set our boundaries in place while we acknowledge, accept and respect others. Having and being respective of ourselves and others will always be reflected by honoring appropriate boundaries. Say what you mean, mean what you say however just do not say it mean. If you want respect show respect--it is that simple.
That is a good segway into our last segment which is creating autonomy in everyone. By exercising self control and not being controlling, manipulative, intimidating or perfectionistic, people can grow inmeasureably under your guidance. It will also demomstrate to others that mature, high functioning adults are role modeling properly to all who live under your roof. I know there are as many more ways to beome high functioning, however following these handful of suggestions can elevate the standards of your family and set in place happy memories to reflect back on.
If you were filming a movie of your life, recording every iota and bit of daily information happening realtime, what would your documentary look like???? Just a thought to ponder. I saw something in my years of being in the Child Care business, "Children do not question the wrong doings of adults, they suffer them". Hmmmmmmm??? Food for thought.
Once again, thank you for allowing me to share thoughts and ideas with you and for your continued support. It is greatly appreciated.
Happy trails and giddy up!!!

How To Be More Effective in The Workplace

2009-03-14T16:25:00.000-07:00

In today's very turbulent downturn economy, with job security being on the decline and job scarcity being on the increase, what are the things you can do to help increase your chances of staying employed at the job you have? What we will talk about are also qualities you can develop within yourself, which you can claim to bring to anyone's organization. If there is any question about how and what you can do to increase your chances of retaining your position at your job, by all means turn over all of the stones to find the answers. One line of thinking about who you are, no matter the place, people, or situations would be your attitude. Sounds quite simplistic I know, yet many people get tripped up over this. By utilizing a healthy, positive, infectuous attitude towards others, you will never have to be the smartest one in your department. IF the smartest person in a job setting showed to be caustic, frustrating or difficult to get along with the othr 22 associates, guess who will become the odd person out? People with good attitudes are teachable and trainable to tun the "gidgets to make the widgets". Having patience is quite important so when things do not go well, you will remain calm and navigate your way through it. This can be quite a role modeling value for others in times of stressful situations. The ability to be and stay in control of self to demonstrate to others how to do this, is a great leadership quality. Two qualities I strongly believe go hand in hand are that of responsibility and dependibility. If you demonstrate being a responsible enough person to be extremely dependable, these will speak volumes to folks as will being courteous, honest, mannerly and polite. Having a dropout in any of the above mentioned qualities can affect your tenure dramactically.
I wish you continued success in all your career endeavors.

Making The Best Decisions Anyway

2009-01-09T15:31:00.000-08:00

Many times we are confronted with either people or situations which require some thinking or movement on our side. Sometimes we fret and complain about them and sometimes we naturally resist knowing full well a change of heart or direction is required. Resisting takes a tremendous amount of energy and in the final analysis we "generally" will do what is best for all--but not always. People will have a tendency to want to roll over you like a steamroller just to get their way. Sometimes you will realize what is happening and sometimes you won't. Life will come at you in ways which will have you be questioning your better judgement about making decisions. In light of all of these scenarios, I came across this anonymous passage and thought that it spoke very clearly to how and who we need to be.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of having an ulterior motive or being selfish---be kind anyways.
What you spend a year building, some people may try to destroy overnight--build anyway.
If you sre honest and frank, people will try to cheat you-be honest and frank anyway.
If you give the world the best you have and it may never be enough--give the world your best anyway.
If you find serentity and happiness--people willl be jealous--be happy anyway.
In the final analysis it is between you and God--it was never between you and them anyway.
The good you do today people will often forget tomorrow--but do good anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies--but succeed anyways.

With the start of the new year, many of us search for different ways of doing and becoming. Having a mental shift about some of the above mentioned areas of growing can bring change, peace, calm, control and a new focus for success. And remembeer--we cannot spell "success" without "U".

Developing Skills and Reducing Anxiety at Work

2009-01-02T12:47:00.000-08:00

When we think of any job setting and the people who are responsible for its success, often we are confronted with very difficult personalities. When we ask the obvious question, "How in the world did that person ever get hired in their position?" We know that on the day of their hire, they placed their best foot forward to mask any potential problem of not getting this job. Once they become on staff, a quite insidious process begins happening. We begin to become negative about maybe the job, then the boss-manager-supervisor because they were not present on the day you were interviewed. Had they been, there is a possibility you might have detected an air of sarcasm, control, conflict, criticism etc, many of which help to torpedo your functionality and performance at work. And guess what? All of what happens during the day has a direct impact on your relationships, family and your emotional and physiological health. So by getting aligned with your career we are referring to the ways in which you handle conflict, disagreeable people, pushy or demeaning/controlling bosses--all of which can set you up for failure. We all have a certain way of tolerating things or people for just so long and then it comes time to retaliate. Generally we do this by stuffing alot until we are not able to and then we react. Usually that is negative and will come back to bite us. If you are in the career you really enjoy and you have people who make it so difficult daily, then we need to learn some skills to get them to back off. Wouldn't it be a shame if you were asked to leave a job that you really enjoyed doing however had a problem engaging difficult associate workers? Determine what it is that is the problem between you and the other person and then get to talking about how you can respond not react to the person and the nature of the conflict. Invest your time into the "what" is happening between you all not placing so much energy into the "who" of the arguement. That way you protect the security of your position at your place of employment and displays your ability to have workable skills to navigate through a dilemma. That is something which really pleases the folks in management positions. Good luck as 2009 gets underway and if any of these situations may be in need of repairing, address them openly with the other worker affected by this.

Conflict--How We Start It and How We Can Stop It.

2008-12-29T17:06:00.000-08:00

Do you sometimes think conflict is following you around just waiting to foul up your day? We seem to travel in and out of these "zones" coming to believe that we just move in and camp out there. So what is creating so much conflict in people's lives? Discontent, anger, jealousy, resentments, betrayal, disappointments etc. One could suggest that the turmoil people experience on the inside, no matter what the reason, causes conflict on the outside. When this happens, we do not need another person to help take our day off track as we have already done that ourself. Some people feel threatened in different ways causing fear and pent up rage which needs to be vented in a healthy fashion. You can take most all of these reasons for creating inner turmoil and title them all with "not enoughness". This is the major cause of conflict. Just understanding that the fear of not being good enough, having enough, doing enough is going to cause all of these emotions to swell up inside you. Dr. Becky Bailey will tell you that one way to get out of "not enoughness" is to shift your attitude to focus on the answers. LOOK at what needs to be done and create an attitude of gratitude. That is being thankful and appreciative for what you have already. Find the "goodness" in people and not look for all their faults, as if there is a reward for doing so. With some folks that is like picking low hanging fruit. Life is not about getting what you want, it is about wanting what you have. If that isn't to your liking, then get proactive with change. Develop an intentional attitude of finding what is working for you. Remember-you find what you look for in life and you become what you repeatedly do. People will never be able to get into conflict with you without your permission. With a definite and deliberate shift in your thinking, this can be a changing day in your life. Want it so much that nothing will stand in your way till you get it. I wish you all Godspeed in the very serenity you choose to make part of your daily life.

Follow Up on Boundaries

2008-12-26T23:02:00.000-08:00

Boundaries are as necessary to our body as fuel is to any engine. So many people say they are living their lives when indeed they are just existing in their life. Whenever we do not feel the worth of our own selves, demonstrated by not being able to say what we want, or do what we want, it is as if we have given control of our lives over to just about anybody else on the planet.

To feel muzzled, gagged, tied up in a knot by someone else's standards or demands, is not living a full functioning life. We, as individuals, must realize this is no dress rehearsal, as we turn each page of our daily life. We are responsible for what we do and who we are becoming. Setting boundaries is one of the primary tools and the fuel we need for designing the life we really want to live.Two of the main reasons we set boundaries are to first protect ourselves and/or anyone else we are in charge of (physically, verbally, spiritually, socially and psychologically).

Secondly, when we state what we want, what we expect, what we will and will not tolerate, we stay out of the other person's head, as to how and what they are going think of us. We will be free to state our wants, needs expectations and tolerations. Our life must belong to us or we turn over the helm of our ship to just about anybody who will take it. We deserve better than that and a Coach will help you define your boundaries and show you how to implement them immediately.
As your Coach, I care about you and how you can free yourself from the chaos of these age old, self imposed restrictions and bondages. IMMEDIATELY--when you realize that someone is crossing the line, especially verbally, say to yourself in your head first, "I will not take your guilt".
Now that you are warmed up, let those words roll right off your lips. It is very empowering. If unable, then just say it to yourself mentally until you can express it. Picture a hula hoop and 50 feet of garden hose in a circle. Those represent your boundaries. Without any verbal responses to people, they can get real close to you. Hence the hula hoop. Not much room to move around in. However when you begin to address these remarks and verbal attacks, letting others know what you will tolerate and won't tolerate will put them on notice that change is coming about and it is all "about" you.
NOW you step out of the hula hoop and step into the 50 feet of garden hose. Much more room to operate in as people will only get as close to you that you let them. Give this a run around the block a couple of times and see if you have success with it. I am not saying this is easy to do nor that you have to. I am saying that it is necessary for your own survival and quality of life. I am also saying that as long as you allow these situations to continue, you can expect more of the same.
So-unless and until you decide what you want in your life, just expect the same old stuff to continue. EVERYONE is allowed to establish boundaries between ourselves(what we accept from our self and what we won't), others and situations. When it becomes difficult and you loose your way, then it is time to call the Coach.
I wish you Godspeed with this as we were not done with the topic and just with this short bit of information I am just about out of ink!!!!! I hope this will help. Thanks again for your time!!

Grief--How Do We Handle It?

2008-10-18T07:09:00.000-07:00

People in grief wonder if they will ever be or feel okay again. Not only do you face overwhelming emotions of loss, you can get to feeling discouraged or even ashamed when you think your grief doesn't just "disappear" right away. Grief is as individual and personal as your own set of fingerprints. Loss is loss and grief is grief. Whatever your situation is, it belongs to you and how you go through it. It will be determined by what previous encounters you may or may not have experienced before. Each loss is different because with people, you will have a different relationship with them. Some you are more emotionally connected with than others. Because we may not have as deep as a connection with someone will never devalue them it is just that you have built an entirely different bond together. So what do we do with this grief? First acknowledge that you have the grief to deal with. We know we will be experiencing feelings and memories of this person and that is a compliment to them. Some people try to rush through or sidestep this process and in many cases it just resurfaces at a later time when you least expect it. There is a phrase, " Grief bottled up just simply reappears". Next we need to honor our feelings and respect the emotions we are having. Some people think that expressing emotions makes you weak somehow. Actually it does just the opposite. When you allow your whole psyche system to experience these range of emotions it does help to complete you as a human being. I would hate to walk around planet earth and not feel the beauty or the sadness that comes across my path. There is much to be said about "stuffing" our emotions as if there were a reward as to how well we did it. It creates a completely different set of problems, emotionally, psychologically and physiologically with stress and our internal organs. Develop a language of grief, sadness, joy, happinessc etc. Learn a range of emotions to honor your your own self so when you have to go through an encounter like this you will do it appropriately and on a timely basis, dealing with it now instead of later when it may not be as convenient. To bury these feelings and not give them a voice is like the phrase, "Silence is no token that no secret grief is there, but sorrow that is never spoken is the heaviest load to bear". Learn to bend--you will not break. This is a gift you give to yourself so as to be able to share yourself with others. When you honor your feelings is when you get on the road to healing. By allowing all this grieving, gives you hope as you head toward healing. It is a process that most of us were never taught however it can be your path back to a place of peace, building a stronger and more empathetic you.

Teens and Depression

2008-08-16T14:34:00.000-07:00

With the ever pressing demands on teens nowadays, there has been a rise in teenage depression. No matter what the cause, there has to be an assemblance of adults with accurate information to share with them, to help them cope with all the pressures life will bring them. There are going to be a vast number of teens peers who will want to pick on and criticize folks who usually do not have the ability to fight back. I do not mean physically either. Kids pick on ones and bully the kids who they think they can just push around verbally and emotionally without any resistance. If you are a teen who has this problem OR know someone who does, there are certain skills which can be learned, to be able to put these people in their place and let them move on to go bother someone else. It is a very sick and twisted way of thinking. First, to think about doing this to other more unfortunate youths and then consciously go out and aggravate someone as though it was a sport, is downright, sick, mean, bullish and cowardly. We all need to help our peers and not sit by and watch because if that were a sibling of yours I guarantee the humor would go out of it really fast. IF you may know someone who is now going through this, we can provide a phone link which would be totally confidential by dialing *67 first to block the number which you are calling from. That would free you up to speak with me, as I have worked a confidential hotline for 20 years and have dealt with as many different sensitive situations you can think of. I have lost many people in my life to suicide--two teens especially and I do not want to loose one more person. In the darkest of moments there are ways we can find to cope with whatever is going on and we can identify resources if you like to contact. ALL your choice every step of the way. I do not want to know who you are. Make up a first name to refer to you and we can talk. I just want to know that you would trust a voice on the other end of a phone line who says he cares and you would be willing to talk WITH, not that you will be talked at or down to, so we can find the very solutions that are being clouded at the moment. Here is my personal cell# to call if you need to reach out and hear a calming voice, to work through whatever may be complicating your life. No strings attached. Sounds like a good deal to me. 239-253-6600. I will await your call and please know someone cares about what you are going through. I wish you Godspeed and if you get my voicemail just say "this is Jim or Linda and need to talk, I will call you back in 5 minutes". That will let me know you are in a desparate situation and will be ready for your call. Know my heart rides with you!!!

Verbal and Emotional Abuse

2008-07-26T20:43:00.000-07:00

There are times when we may not fully understand how subtle the effects of verbal and emotional abuse are having on our life. I recently came across nine of the most significant effects of these two forms of abuse. The Center For Relationship Abuse Awareness Organization puts these out as their campaign for consciousness which we must educate ourself about. These creep into our life and our psyche when we begin to loose sight of who and what we are about. Before we start listening to anyone's instructions of how we must conduct our very self, take careful notice if any of these are currently present in your life. If you can relate, even remotely as to how someone who may be instrumental in "guiding" you, let these be warning bells, to put you on notice, to stop these in their tracks. Here are the nine effects of verbal/emotional abuse:

Distrust of one's own spontaneity
Loss of self confidence
Growing self doubt
Uncertainity of self
Loss of enthusiasm
Fear of being crazy
Having reluctance to come to any conclusions
Has a strong desire to escape or run away.
A constant, nagging concern that something is wrong with you.

Let these be the light to help guide you along your way of becoming the person you were meant to be. Positively impact your tomorrow and take a careful look at your right now. Let's begin today to create a different history, as we begin to walk out of that and into the light of a new beginning. Be the change you want to see happen in the world.

How To Become A Leader

2008-07-12T21:47:00.000-07:00

When observing a leader who is in charge of others, generally they display qualities of effectiveness. One great discernable quality you will recognize is “poise”. Leaders who exhibit poise display many role modeling characteristics, which they have truly mastered. We all develop these traits over time, through attrition and in “bite size pieces”. Learning to “calm” the negative opposites of being poised--rudeness, discontent, being critical and unapproachable, anger, uneasiness etc., is absolutely key in becoming a poised and competent leader. We calm ourselves first before we can calm others. Marie Curie once said, “We cannot hope to build a better world without improving individuals.”
If you are a leader or would like to become one, can you list 6 reasons why anyone would want to follow you? Do you look for what you want in others instead of what you don’t want? Are you a good motivator and builder of self worth, self confidence and self esteem in people? Does your message say “I am responsible”? Do you have an attitude of gratitude or “something else”? Let us be more concerned with leading others to be “on their way” instead of “in their way.”
Setting a positve, healthy, functional example of being a leader, definitely comes with experience. You will consistently have people's support, even though you will make mistakes along the way. If the very people you lead, know and understand you have their back, they will allow you the space for you to grow into, especially when they realize it also becomes better for them in the end. To sum this subject up, here are 5 soul searching questions to ask yourself, to help you develop this poise and effectiveness we are referring to:
1. Can you take a reprimand without blowing up?
2. Can you take a turndown without becoming discouraged?
3.Can you laugh with others when the joke is on you?
4.Can you keep your spirits up when things go wrong?
5.Can you keep cool in emergencies?
Master these five and you will become one of the most effective, rolemoldeling, accomplished and productive leaders who will lead with confidence!!

How Men Apologize and Women Give Forgiveness

2008-07-09T04:30:00.000-07:00

With this being our last part of our Mars/Venus discussion, we will look at the way an apology and forgiveness needs to be done.
Men have this classic ability to offer up explanations when an apology is due. Sometimes this explanation will be embellished somewhat, to establish credibility with his woman. Interesting enough, the thought is, the better the explanation, the increased chance it will be believed and accepted. Wrong!! When men have an apology between men, one apologizes to the other, he accepts it-done deal, the conversation is over. When a man needs to give an apology to a woman, after the I'm sorry, the conversation has just begun. Women need to express their feelings about what the man did and make sure he knows why she is upset and understands it. A woman's ability to forgive will begin when she hears the description of what happpened. It is called a "Nadjective". This is referred to as a "negative adjective". If a man was rude, insensitive, offensive, he says, "I was rude, insensitive and/or offensive". Nadjectives!! She hears that "he gets it". Now she can move to doing the forgiving because he has the chance to respond to how she felt about this and how it affected her. Men-here's the key. Bring the "I"m sorry" right away. You owe it-she's due it--pony up. Next-listen to her response and hear her share the feelings which were created. This is not supposed to feel good so grin and bear it to learn the lesson. When she is done, then respond with the appropriate "nadjective". If you do not focus on your mistake, she will until you do. Your choice. Here's the distinction between saying I'm sorry and asking for forgiveness. When you say you are sorry, that means you didn't know what you were doing and someone got hurt in the process. Asking for forgiveness says that I knew what I was doing and I am ready to step up and take responsibility for what I did. The more a man apologizes and is forgiven, the more considerate he becomes. Strangely enough, by doing all of this, there is an incredible power we will have to bring more happiness into our life and isn't that what we all deserve?
I know this got quite long however I believe you will agree this is an important subject for us all to take notice of. Thank you John Gray for all your expertise/research about Mars and Venus and most of all, thank you all for your time!
Happy Trails!!

Mars Mistakenly Communicating To Venus

2008-07-06T09:50:00.000-07:00

When guys are not aware of their words or actions-they send large negative messages to women. When initially getting to know a woman, men can go on and on "ad nauseum" about either them self or about their life theories. Woman prefer men to be attracted to them for who they are AND to demonstrate an obvious interest in her. Men-understand that because you may have a lot of knowledge and experience about things, places, accomplishments etc, that doesn't really impress her or create an attraction between she and you. This will be an immediate turn off. Women need to share who they are with you expecting a similar dialogue from you to her. She is looking to gain a sense of who and what you are about, while showing her your ability to demonstrate how you relate to her. Being in conversation with a woman, when she displays any negative feelings about someone or a situation, she is not to be judged as"hard to please" nor does she need input on what to do to advise her on a solution. Men are into fixing things and dilemmas however women think out loud to just share themselves. We need to share equally with one another all sides of us because that is what forms the bond of a relationship. Men-take the focus off what you want or desire and you will learn "about" and "see" her in a different light. Never cease to extend compliments to a woman. A continuous flow of them, not matter what length of time you have been together, will always transmit your love, appreciation and interest in her. This helps to fuel the attraction she will have toward you. Never become complacent thinking your relationship can be sustained by and live off the interest of your initial physical/(?)emotional investment. If you believe you have won her over and you can just coast along, assuming she knows that you care, you are in for a very rude awakening. Not a good plan. Always be aware of what she is interested in while displaying your interest in her. That will heighten the attraction you will both have for one another, while strengthening and growing the relationship together. Be well and happy relating!!!!!!!

*****The last part of this series will show how apologies are made on Mars and Venus.*******

Mars and Venus Continuing On

2008-07-06T09:30:00.001-07:00

Because Mars and Venus are are so different, as John Gray continues to instruct us, their communication styles also have marked differences. For instance: If a woman may complain about her life, immediately the man feels the need to offer her a solution. (As if she isn't able to figure it out on her own.) However, that is what men do is fix things. When she says,"I just don't have time or enough help to get things done at work." Once again, men will tell her to slow down, don't try to do so much and get some people to help. To men, that makes sense-to women that is so far off base. Instead, say to her, "you are such a hard worker and always give your best. Can I give you a hug?" Now, you may tell her that she worries too much and works way too hard. "Let's just forget it and just go out". No-she will not and is unable to just forget it. Right now, men just need to listen to all that is being said, give an offer to help or ask if there is anything you can do? A woman needs to be heard and once that is done and she has processed her feelings, she will feel much better. Just refrain from fixing any problem. Offering up some explanation for why things are will most likely be met with silence or resistance. Just stay neutral, validate what and how it must be affecting her without doing any fixing. Ask if there is something you can do to help her. This is rather confusing, however with a little bit of work, we men can learn the rhythm of communicating on Venus.Next time, John Gray will show us what men are thinking and saying. Until then.....................

Relationships on Mars and Venus

2008-06-22T06:20:00.000-07:00

For the next few blogs, let's take a close look at the way Mars and Venus view one another. In John Gray's book ,"Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus", he makes some very salient points about how supremely different men and women are and how their listening and thinking styles are so unique. Through his introspection of this topic, he provides a way of discussing the subject without "stepping on each other's toes" as he states this. Here is a sad truth. The more a man likes a woman, the more he will avoid getting involved because he might get hurt. With intimacy, the distinction is that a woman moves up and down while men move back and forth. Women's increased intimacy makes them feel more vulnerable and as a result, her feelings will tend to rise and fall like waves. Men are like rubber bands with intimacy. Their intimate involvement creates the need to pull away, knowing he can return even experiencing more and deeper love. Unfortunately his woman takes it personally, thinking this is about her. Not so! To give him his "space", understanding that absence makes the heart grow fonder is key to this process. It is difficult yet needed. Men will stretch out so far and then will come springing back. Ironically each time this happens he will love her more. Sound crazy? Welcome to the world of "testosterone". And us men say that understanding the language and actions of women is so difficult. Thankfully over time this will diminish, however it does and will remain to some degree. To help guard against this, men need to "get ready" to be intimate. The earlier the experience of intimacy the more extreme his pull back. Women believe more intimacy is better when this pull back happens and that can sabotage this connection for good if not careful. This situation would require a lot of balance and patience, as you navigate through this process. Strive to create the chemistry experience on four levels: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. This is demonstrating an expression of love in all four areas.
On the next continuing blog we will explore the distinction of what he/she says vs what he/she hears.
Note: If there is a subject you would wish to have information on, please email me as a comment about this blog and I will be happy to include it. Till next time.

How To Have Better Insight

2008-05-17T11:32:00.000-07:00

One of the recurring themes you see throughout my coaching and web site is the phrase "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." Dr. Wayne Dyer has said that over and over and has become a program for me for many years now. Some of what I wanted to share on this blog are short phrases I have come across which you can think of on a regular basis when needed. Some are on my site and new ones come up quite often. Here are some I am usually thinking of:
Unforgiveness is a form of self abuse. Being unwilling to forgive is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. An apology only stops the bleeding, it never really heals the wound. Mediocrity always attacks excellence. Life is about letting-not getting. We are participants in life, not anticipants. Trying is failing with honor. Be on your way not in your way. Life is about scattering not just gathering. The more I understand myself the more effective I can be with others. Life is not meant to be a struggle. Energy flows where attention goes. What you allow--you teach!! Last but certainly not least, I came up with an acronym for L.I.F.E C.O.A.C.H.--- Living Is For Everyone --- Changing Our Attitudes Creates Happiness :). Anyone who knows me, more than understands how I love acronyms and pictures to think in!! I hope there is something in this lineup you can take with you, which will help you in your life.
Godspeed to you along your life's journey.

How To Become a Better Listener

2008-04-21T05:11:00.000-07:00

How many times are you in the company of a person who just can't wait for you to stop talking because they have something more important to say than you? You may find it very interesting to know that that in the world of communicating, only 7% is accomplished by the spoken word. With that said the other two components are facial gestures--55% and other body language 37%. Listening is without a doubt the most essential part of the communication process. Many people claim to be good listeners and the way we convince others of this is to be reflective of the phrase," People don't care how much you know, until they know how much you care". Let that resonate with others when being in their company. There are a lot of right fighters in this world. No matter what, they have to have the last word in every exchange or show you how you are wrong. Somehow, that is the way they have been taught to engage others. They can choose to be right or they can be happy, it is clearly their choice. There is a higher level of functioning and to just be "in the moment" with another person, sharing all of who you are and what you are about, is key to long lasting relationships. There is an acronym I tripped over a long time ago which makes incredible amount of sense regarding how to listen. The word is L.A.D.D.E.R. If you and I stood in front of one another, leaning in, foreheads touching, hands on top of one anothers shoulders; we could look as if we were forming the shape of a ladder. Here is what the acronym stands for, in regards to being attentive with each other. L--look at the other person. Let them know you are there for them. A--ask questions. This way you are engaging them to fully understand what they are saying. D--Do not change the subject. You are being trusted with a very pertinent part of this person's life and constantly changing the subject will change your relationship. D--Do not interrupt. They have a train of thought to share with you and please let them finish it. E--Empathy. Bring empathy to this moment in support of what all is being talked about. R--Respond verbally or non verbally. Your very response, which ever way you choose in the moment will validate their position, themself as an individual and strenthen your connection with one another. Listening will always communicate your understanding, trust, support and emphasis you place, on how much you regard the other person. The openness and accceptance you have to teach in the moment, will help them do the very same thing, as they begin to pay it forward with others. Wouldn't you love to be the author of teaching that lesson?

Coaching Verses Counseling

2008-04-06T13:06:00.000-07:00

Whenever asked the question, "isn't coaching just like counseling"?, my reply will generally be about the distinction between the two. I have come to realize that in back of the question is sometimes a need for clarification because many times a person has been through the counseling/therapy process and is looking for something diffferent. As other coaches have remarked to me, that if a new client is in need of counseling we make that recommendation as well. Some people are in the place to need to understand why and how their life got to be where it is. Problems from the past have a way of staying in step with present and future lives. Thank God for the training counselors have to assist their clients in traveling back through time to identify issues which have created the very conflict people are in. No one needs to have the responsibility of carrying around burdens from the past with them. Coaches however, work in the future in a time we have yet to live. We help create success plans for tomorrow and redefine what new decisions or goals can be developed for having a fuller, richer, happier, healthier and balanced life. We also develop a very confidential bond with our clients because we want them to discover what new methods of living are going to be the most effective and rewarding for them. We begin immediately to give our clients control over their lives. We are able to present many ways of seeing a situation through a different lens for success. Never do we take the position of telling a client "what" to do as opposed to showing them many ways of "how" they can choose differently to achieve their goal oriented results. The sole purpose of coaching is to focus on the needs of the client. This is a "Personal Improvement Process."

Children and Discipline

2008-03-26T21:34:00.000-07:00

There seems to be such a disconnect these days as to what is the correct way to discipline children. So much concern is placed on their self esteem that we don't injure their sensitive feelings while many households are being held hostage by youngsters. It is my belief that a lot of parents are extremely hesitant to appropriately discipline their kids. Then the question is obviously asked, "what is the correct way?" Let's look at this. First off, when children start running the household, we now have the tail wagging the dog. Why can't we take away a expensive DVD player, or a flat screen television, a computer, x box etc. many people ask? They do not become permanent fixtures in a child's room. These are earned and retained by regularly displaying good, healthy manners, polite attitude and proper communicating of the English language, without any demeaning, sarcastic or cutting words. If their behavior or manners are indicative of disrespectful slang, innuendos or gestures, things need to come flying out of that room and not taken back until there is a significant shift in their attitude. If they are only left with a mattress to sleep on and the floor to hold their clothes, then so be it. This is what they have earned for themselves. We have a generation of young men who have already learned the negative skill of control and manipulation. We do not need to teach the next group of kids coming up the same thing. I am quite sure that some people reading this are already in disagreement with what I am saying and that is perfectly okay. I will just ask you that what you are doing presently, if it isn't working well, would you be open to something new and different? Here is a rule of thumb to go by: with any discipline it needs to be respectful, related and reasonable. If you follow that guideline, then it will teach the child to do this in a loving, teaching, caring and supportive way. Too many times we as adults will make a child the brunt end of being punished. Remember: discipline comes from the word "disciple", which means to teach. Punishment only looks around to "blame" someone which is generally the child. Self esteem bottoms out, self worth plummets, self confidence flies right out the window and they walk away feeling like, "not enough". It does not take too many instances for them to get that message of "not enoughness". Children do not question the wrong doings of adults, they suffer them. Please keep that in mind. If we all could become an ambassador for children's appropriate rights, then we will fully understand how we are raising respectful adults, not children.

Learning To Communicate With Tact and Skills

2008-03-26T11:42:00.000-07:00

As a result of developing your skill set and widening your range of techniques and communication tools, there will be a new realization of what your life will be about and who you will become. Here is just a short laundry list to review of how elevating your current knowledge base will benefit you. As a result of these new mindsets you will learn: A simple four step method for handling conflict; how to become a better supervisor, manager, team leader, parent, spouse, mate; how to eliminate being a direct target for rude and difficult people; how to have the proper response instead of a negative emotional reaction; how to stop being a people pleaser and take good care of yourself; how to stop being manipulated anymore; how to effectively deflect criticism; how to handle the "right fighters" in your life; how to spot a "V.E.R.B."(A person who generally is playing the Victim role--always displaying a sense of Entitlement--looking to be Rescued by others----then Blaming others and life for their misfortune and deeds gone wrong.) how to set appropriate boundaries and stick to them; how to develop better listening skills; finally-- last but certainly not least, how to bring out the best in yourself and others.
Start choosing today to positively respond to others by communicating with a very different yet healthier dialogue. The saying comes to mind," The more I understand myself, the more effectively I can work with others".

Personal Values

2008-03-24T12:07:00.000-07:00

More and more as I network with people, the discussion of personal values continues to intrigue me. I will preface my comments here with the fact that I was not always able to identify mine. This is the very reason why I connect with others about this topic. One thing to know in regards to claiming your values is that self confidence is tied directly to this issue. Once defined, you will grow leaps and bounds in restructuring your life. Each one of us has our own personal power that we either personally diminish or will relinquish to others, figuring they might know better what is right for us. Get clear, crystal clear on what you value most: loyalty, kindness, wisdom, charm, empathy, honesty etc. just to name a few. Once becoming definite about what you stand for, admire and seek, your peace of mind, sense of purpose and fullfillment will pave the way for success and happiness. You become a self actualizing person who is totally responsible for choices made. Webster's defines value as "a thing or quality of intrinisic worth". Let's become genuinely focused on your values so you will come to realize the self worth you are very deserving of.

Questions For Change

2008-03-11T13:40:00.000-07:00

Preceeding any coaching relationship, there are always some questions which either directly are asked of my clients or they show up in conversation. These are ones that I firmly believe will help both of us drill down to the core of truth to be dealt with:

What are your three distinct personal values?
What three areas of self-development would you like to improve?
What can you stop doing today which is keeping you from getting what you want?
If people hold negative perceptions of you, are they generally true? If not, how are they wrong?
What do you want to be happy and what are you willing to do to get it?
What will it feel like to get what you want to be happy?

In looking to redefine our lives in one way or another, we need to hold a mirror up for a time to look at the very obvious. After a period of time of doing this, with work, then we exchange the mirror for a window to go and experience our growth realized. These questions aren't the end all however, we all need a starting point and this can serve as a new and different beginning.

Managing Stressful Situations

2008-03-08T07:09:00.000-08:00

In our very busy and hectic live style today, we sometimes fail to remember to take good care of ourselves. Because we handled all of these stress events yesterday, last month, last year is no recipe for a healthy, happy quality filled life. Just as soon as our system goes on overload, then all these events PLUS our ineffective ways of coping will come home to roost. By NOT managing stress well and just pushing it to the side, way down, becoming verbally combative and aggressive, we just delay the inevitable attack on our whole body wellness system. We choose these options because we believe they worked yesterday and will work today. WRONG! The following are passages from Dr. James Wilson's book, "Adrenal Fatigue". The very onset for this condition has many components which affect us, including but not limited to, physically, emotionally, psychologically and congentitally. Without the proper strategies for dealing with such things as : powerlessness, perfectionism, constant participation in no win situations, internal emotional stress, negative attitudes & beliefs, marital stress, death of a loved one, financial worries etc.; these are just a snapshot of the many factors which can trigger adrenal fatigue. Remember-all stresses are cumulative and additive in nature. Translation: Whether you recognize them or not, as many as you may have, the intensity and frequency of them, plus the length of time they are present, all combine to form your total stress load.
Being a coach, it is my belief we all need to be very aware and identify the triggers which set us off and be totally honest with ourselves first, before we can begin requesting of others of what all we need. Because over 80% of Americans suffer from some form of adrenal fatigue like Dr. Wilson says, that is a staggering statistic yet testimony to what our new focus of wellness has to be. There is no one size fits all for handling stress yet just acknowledging it is there will help tremendously. Let's be willing to become proactive of developing a game plan for better combined health, as this will be the first step on your road to recovery.

Manipulation and Control

2008-02-25T10:21:00.000-08:00

When you talk about self esteem killers and covert forms of psychological abuse, these two topics have got to be as toxic as they come. Please let me preface my comments and say that if you are experiencing one or both of these, please seek out the appropriate form of help for yourself. That is most important. The lasting effects on someones mind, body and heart are so devastating that you can be very deeply or partially invested in a relationship without even knowing it. A manipulators objective is to get other's to do what they want with little or no regard being shown. No honesty, respect, sensitivity or concern for the way these destructive and manipulative behaviors will impact the lives of others. This negativity produces anxiety, guilt, blame, criticism, low self esteem and low self worth. A constant daily barrage of attacks like these are responsible for symbolically crushing the gentle spirits of others. In a family where the abuse is learned, children can only live and reflect these terrible teachings. A-B-C- AWARENESS BREEDS CONSCIOUSNESS! If manipulation is alive, active and unwell in your life, please take the necessary steps to navigate your way out of this devastating and demoralizing situation. NEVER- take anyone's guilt. Become the Victor while moving through being a victim. Learning the skills and techniques of positive responses to negative people is a very effective tool to be used against these very cruel and insidious attacks.

Children: They ARE Our Future

2008-02-17T21:34:00.000-08:00

When I think of all the special training, practical experiences, wisdom and umpty ump degrees we need to compete in the business world, I ask why isn't it the same for having children? So many times when talking to parents do I hear how much conflict the family is in and the turmoil they are having with their children. With us being the models for children to follow, there seems to be a disconnect about what and how the children are receiving our messages. In many ways we are seeing reflected back to us our spoken/unspoken words and attitudes. We, as adults, hold up a mirror for them to see their choices made and behaviors chosen. In every instance we need to take the opportunity to teach, not criticize. Many times it is like picking low hanging fruit in the moment. There are some strategies I believe which can begin to shift our thinking to a higher level of consciousness:

Never disapprove of who a child is, disapprove of what they do.
Seek first to understand so you can be clearly understood.
Never punish, that is counterproductive--use healthy discipline
which teaches new ways of thinking. REMEMBER: Positive
discipline looks for solutions, punishment looks for blame.
Always be looking for ways to give praise--children respond so well to it.
Instruct them as to "what" you want, not what you "don't" want.
Know how children develop.
Adults must maintain self control: The biggest reason for low self
esteem in children is lack of self control in adults.
Build healthy relationships with your children.

I know there are no absolutes for how to positively impact each child, however, the more we learn about proper child development the more fun we can have along the way. I hope these
strategies will be helpful and remember to give yourself an "adult time out" to get centered, as you are doing without a doubt one of the hardest, most difficult, thankless jobs out there.

The Ten Things I Want For You Are

2008-02-11T07:06:00.000-08:00

As a Coach, I have a very committed sense of dedication to my clients. I realize there are certain parts of our development which are key to living a happy, balanced, quality filled life. What I would like to share with you are the very requests I have had with former clients and what I would ask of new clients. As people begin to grow into the person they either want or need to be, I am of the strong belief these will serve as either a springboard or cornerstones for your life.

1. Know and understand what your core beliefs are.
2. Tell yourself "First" the absolute unvarnished truth.
3. Start living your authentic life.
4. Have healthy self messages of "I".
5. Develop a high level sense of self worth.
6. Become a role model for others to follow.
7. Get in touch with your feelings.
8. Set very definitive and non-moveable boundaries.
9. Be a great listener while you communicate effectively.
10. Either restore, have, or keep your integrity while you role model that for others.

If your life is out of sync in any of these areas, this would serve as a mirror to hold up, to become a reflection of work needing to accomplish.

Relationships: How is yours?

2008-02-05T05:44:00.000-08:00

Relationships can be sticky situations, right? What are your abilities for understanding, communicating, listening and being considerate of the other person? Too many times our judgements, attitudes and behaviors get right in the middle of people who profess to care about one another. Sometimes we need to take our own "time out" and realize the importance of asking ourselves the tough and difficult questions about where your relationship stands. Do you perceive the other person in a negative light? Do you compromise your wants, wishes and needs to "keep the peace"? How adept are you in "negotiating" in all areas of your life? Or, do you have "bargaining" strategies to get what you want? Having to tolerate people, situations and life isn't the best decision as it eventually becomes a train wreck of major proportion. Dr. Phil put it very succinctly when he says, "If the cost of being "half" a couple means you have to give up "all" of who you are, then isn't the price you are paying way too much?

So many times our own actions, reactions, words and gestures will create the very hardships our relationships will experience. We come to blame the other person who is "reacting" to things we have just said or done. If your message being sent has an air of manipulation, control, judgements or disdain, just to name a few, then you have the makings of an all out and out battle.

Dr. Graydon Goss, Md says, "There are three major areas we call triggers which have strong tendencies to start so many of the conflicts between people, and they are:"
Accusations: These are well intentional statements or questions that are meant to express hurt, but instead imply blame. Hurts are inevitable and as much as we try to avoid them we just don't. These accusations are expressions of anger instead of hurt. "You never pay any attention to me", instead of "I'm feeling lonely." "Why can't you ever be on time?", instead of "I am feeling impatient and have been worried." We all have the tendency to make it about somebody else instead of an expression of self.
INVALIDATIONS: This is when we imply someone's feelings are wrong, misguided, inappropriate etc. "You shouldn't feel that way." These are and can be very subtle however, they really hurt. Feelings are very real, believe it or not. Anger generally precedes hurt and that goes to the bone. Be careful. Acknowledge others feelings and offer to help if you can.
PHONY FACTS: These are opinions and (mis) perceptions expressed as though they are fact."
"I was born in PA." That is a fact. "Your Mother treats you like a child." That is an opinion. These will always invite disagreements, rebuttal or defensiveness. People will usally feel attacked this way. Is this what you want to create in your life?

All three of these triggers are well intentioned but ineffective attempts to communicate. Accusations--hurtful substitutes for expressions of feelings.
Invalidations--hurtful substitutes for expressions concern.
Phony facts--hurtful substitutes for expressions of information.

Let's learn more effective ways to communicate.

Goals For Positive Living

2008-02-03T07:13:00.000-08:00

A common recurring theme I have experienced through Coaching, has been about maintaining a healthy, positive attitude. When I am asked, "how do I do that", or "what can I do to be more positive", believe it or not there are ways to strategize accomplishing this. When I hear the operative words, "how and what", it tells me that my client is ready to move forward and do the work.

By recognizing and accepting the personal responsibility of developing ourselves to our fullest potential, we will restore balance to all of our lives, starting with us. It is the sense of self respect we bring to all of our relationships, because the very relationship we have with ourself will be the same one we will have with others.

Here is a list of methods we can choose from today to begin to bring about a positive air to our living.

Be kind! Be kind! And Be kind!
Be an example to others.
Be sensitive and exercise better judgement.
Be a non-participant of gossip.
Be mindful of "your business" only.
Become approachable.
Respect the privacy of others.
Always get more information before making decisions.
Let's not attempt to read the minds of others. Stay out of their heads.
Earn each others trust and respect.
Avoid sarcasm AND criticism.
Acknowledge people doing the right thing.
Take a sincere interest in others.
Look where you can give sincere compliments to others daily.

Every journey begins with the first step, as we all have heard through our lives. Developing a positive attitude of gratitude will keep us from developing "Psychoschlorosis", as Zig Ziglar would say. What is it? Hardening of the attitudes. Yes--it is a manufactured word, however our hearts and minds do not know anything different than what we teach it. Realize what you have to be grateful for and YES-this all has to do with positive thinking. Will positive thinking let me do anything? Absolutely not. BUT-it will let me do everything better then negative thinking will. Remember the 10 two letter words of success: "If it is to be, it is up to me".

Have a Great Day!!

How Happy Are You?

2008-02-01T08:36:00.000-08:00

As relayed to me from a coaching client this past year, this comes to us from a Oprah show on determining the amount of happiness we all are experiencing. It is a short five question excerise which you will score your answers, to determine where you are on the "Happiness" continuumm. The questions are very generic, however your answers will be very specific. Here we go:

Your grading key will be from 1-7. One being "not much in agreement" with seven being "very much in agreement." Be careful to focus only on what you are reading and refrain from going to the answer scale. We want this to be an absolute, unvarnished reflection of your truth about yourself. Let's proceed........

1. In most ways, my life is close to ideal.

2. The conditions of my life are excellent.

3. I am satisfied with my life.

4. So far, I have gotten the important things in life.

5. If I could live my life over again, I would change almost nothing.

***********************************

Let's see how you did. 31-35--Extremely Satisfied

15 and Below-----Dissatisfied

In Between-------So very much work to be done

What I found interesting, the happiest person on the show panel of guests was the funeral home owner of 35 years. The person scoring the lowest was the one looking to "be" the happiest. We all need to look at the very energy we are using each day. Let's determine if we are creating positive or negative attributes to our life and people around us. When I reflect back to clients who have worked beyond their life situations and have evolved, it helped me to look at the word C.O.A.C.H. and give it an acronym: " Changing Our Attitudes Creates Happiness". Take time to reflect on you, while giving "you" what you need. Be a great day.

Boundaries

2008-01-24T18:51:00.001-08:00

Do you have them and Why are They Important?

Boundaries are as necessary to our body as fuel is to any engine. So many people say they are living their lives when indeed they are just existing in their life. Whenever we do not feel the worth of our own selves, demonstrated by not being able to say what we want, or do what we want, it is as if we have given control of our lives over to just about anybody else on the planet.

To feel muzzled, gagged, tied up in a knot by someone else’s standards or demands is not living a full functioning life. We, as individuals, must realize this is no dress rehearsal, as we turn each page of our daily life. We are responsible for what we do and who we are becoming. Setting boundaries is one of the primary tools and the fuel we need for designing the life we really want to live.

Two of the main reasons we set boundaries are to first protect ourselves and/or anyone else we are in charge of (physically, verbally, spiritually, socially and psychologically). Secondly, when we state what we want, what we expect, what we will and will not tolerate, we stay out of the other person’s head, as to how and what they are going think of us. We will be free to state our wants, needs expectations and tolerations.

Our life must belong to us or we turn over the helm of our ship to just about anybody who will take it. We deserve better than that and a Coach will help you define your boundaries and show you how to implement them immediately.

As your Coach, I care about you and how you can free yourself from the chaos of these age old, self imposed restrictions and bondages. Please feel free to contact me so we can begin to set the necessary boundaries you need to have in creating your authentic life.

Assertiveness

2008-01-24T18:50:00.000-08:00

“This is The Way To Live Your Life”

Learn the combination of techniques and tools for unlocking the way to live a balanced, calm, quality filled and authentic life. Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired of the way people speak to you and treat you? Do you say to yourself “I deserve to be treated better than this but don’t know how to ask for it without creating more anxiety and conflict?”

We are all products of our upbringing and there comes a time for us to “rise above our raisin’.” What we were given through the role modeling of our adult authority figures, might have come up short, as to what we truly need to live a balanced life. When people emotionally cut us off at our knees, we have real feelings about that. We essentially give them permission to do this by our inability to defend ourselves. However, our reactions usually place us in conflict with the other person or persons.

By working with someone who supports you 100%, a Coach will assist and challenge you to learn each technique needed for individual growth. To learn assertiveness is to effectively know how to negotiate, positively influence and truly listen to others so as to know what and how to respond. By sharing who you are, what you are about and what you need the most, a Life Coach will hear you and will help guide you through the maze of change.

Let’s bring you exactly what you need to become the authentic person you are destined to be. As you begin to evaluate what assertiveness information or any other self development area you recognize the need for improvement in, please feel free to contact me and together we can discover how this can work for you. You owe it to yourself to be as happy and content in this life, regardless how others want to upset your very self. Let’s reclaim your power and have it be working for you.

Communication

2008-01-24T17:34:00.000-08:00

Communication for each one of us is so vitally important to the degree of wellness we will all enjoy in life. How and what we say to ourselves first, determines the relationships we create with others. Have you ever heard, “People will treat you the way you see yourself”? Well, that is absolutely right on point.

If we walk around daily with self deprecating thoughts and phrases, just as sure as these words are in print, your subconscious will be taught to remind you of your negative points. The conversations you will engage others in will either contribute to the quality of your life or it will continue to contaminate every aspect of your day to day existence.

How does that become a gift to you, your family, children, mate, business associates or anyone else? Practicing radical, positive self talk affirmations will begin to diffuse these volatile, negative, “think/stink bombs.” All of this begins as a life process to immerse yourself in and a coach will
strategically help guide you all the way through. A Coach will always “have your back” and will be your biggest cheerleader of support.

If you are interested in designing a life full of healthy, interactive communication techniques, then I would very much like to hear from you. Let’s discuss together how we can jointly develop a wellness plan and system of success for your communication needs. Remember—“A powerful communicator empowers others and encourages others to express themselves”.